Of relationships and filters

Filters are generally considered good: we filter the water we drink, ‘real’ email from junk, etc; but when it comes to relationships there’s a certain double standard. In theory, we are expected to be ourselves in our relationships (namely, honest, at ease… in one word, unfiltered). In reality, our partners mostly want to interact with the part of ourselves that pleases them. Pleasing comes rather easy at work and with friends, since our livelihood and social standing depends on our putting our best foot forward. We are also taught to be patient, kind, loving and supportive of friends… but when it comes to family and significant others the story is different.

We all want to hear how wonderful, unique and important we are. What we don’t want to hear is how sometimes we suck and are far from meeting the expectations of someone else. These are thoughts we need to filter. One of the wisest women I know once told me that in relationships one should not share everything… and by that she meant mostly thoughts. Many a relationship has gone bad because someone decided to be “honest” with the other person and share their feelings of unhappiness over one subject or the other.  No matter how close you are to someone, or how much of you you think you’re sharing, the minute this means the other person is less than wonderful, things go sour. Dominicans have a good saying that “filo con filo no corta” (two blades can’t cut each other). Though I grew up hearing and using this phrase, I couldn’t tell you what it means exactly. In clear terms it would be something like this: Because we both know what we are about, let’s do this: you respect me and I’ll respect you. End of story.

I guess the best relationships are those in which one person gets to do what they want and the other person gets to pretend they are perfectly happy with everything their sweetie throws their way… and then roles reverse depending on the situation. This is especially easy if you happen not to be opinionated or strong tempered. You’ll develop an ulcer from keeping the negative to yourself, but trust me, you’ll live happily ever after. Whatever happened to that song by Alejandro Sanz – ‘No es lo mismo’: “I promise to give you torment, to give you bad moments”.  If we were to be honest and unfiltered, giving our significant others torment – not just good times – would be in fact our most sincere love promise. Reality is, filters work and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it, which reminds me: if you don’t completely agree with this, please filter your comment before you post. Hehe.